My partner cheated on me while I was in labour with his baby

DEAR DEIDRE: WHILE I was in labour with his baby, my partner cheated on me. I was hooked up to a heartbeat monitor while he was hooking up with his ex.

They had sex in a hotel, then he came to see me. How can I forgive and forget that?

I’m 26, he’s 32 and we’ve been together for two years. This baby is our first child.

We live in a flat I’ve worked hard to turn into our home.

My partner wasn’t very demonstrative, except in bed. But I never worried until I stumbled across his ex’s social media.

I think the baby hormones made me emotional. Instead of ignoring it, I found myself doom-scrolling to find posts from when they were together.

They had dated for three years, and it seems he was the world’s most romantic boyfriend.

He would take her on mini breaks and shower her with expensive gifts.

Even his face looked different — he was always gazing at her with a big, soppy grin. All I know about their split was that she dumped him.

He was still mourning it when I met him in a pub a few months later. I thought he’d got over it. I was wrong.

I had to spend the last week of my pregnancy in hospital. Aside from his daily visits, I had nothing to do but scroll.

I went back to his ex’s socials and discovered she’d met a new bloke.

I was secretly relieved. But then, just as I was being induced, I saw her post a “Get Ready With Me” video filmed in a nearby hotel — and at the end I spotted my boyfriend in the mirror. I was gutted.

Three hours later, he was waltzing into the delivery suite, carrying balloons for our baby.

DEIDRE SAYS: Congratulations on the birth of your first baby. And I’m sorry that what should be a special time has been soured.

Recovering from a birth takes all your physical and mental strength, so don’t be afraid to focus on that for the immediate future.

It’s not cowardly to postpone decisions until you’re in a stronger frame of mind.

Reach out to friends and family for help while you are at your most vulnerable, until you are strong enough to decide what you want to do about your boyfriend’s infidelity.

My support pack, Your Man Cheating On You?, details counselling which will help you work towards your next steps.

If you’re certain that your partner is cheating, it might mark the end of the relationship but it doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t be an involved dad for your child.

Also read my support pack on separation, which gives tips and advice on co-parenting.

WIFE GAVE ME TEA, AND THE ELBOW

DEAR DEIDRE: MY wife put the tea on the table then announced she wanted to split.

She doesn’t want counselling, just a divorce. I’m shocked.

We’re in our forties and have been married for eight years. She is the love of my life – I fancy her, she’s my best friend. I’ve never wanted anyone else.

Lately I’d noticed she seemed snappier, but I felt that was down to her hormones.

We were still having regular sex, and it was as fulfilling and passionate as ever. At least for me.

Now I think about it, she had pulled away emotionally.

When I told her I loved her, she had stopped replying.

She used to suggest we go out to dinner or walk the dog together – but instead, she started going out more without me.

She joined a book club and signed up for the local gym.

Her life became busy, and we started eating dinner with the telly on. She began going to bed before me and was usually asleep when I got upstairs. But I never realised she wanted to leave.

Since that conversation, I’ve bought her flowers, suggested therapy and begged her to tell me what’s wrong, but she just refuses to talk.

She says she’s been telling me what she needed “for years”, but I never listened. And now it’s too late.

Please help me.

DEIDRE SAYS: I can see why you feel blindsided but it doesn’t sound like it came totally out of the blue.

The signs were there – from what you say, your wife had been warning you, for a long time, that she was unhappy.

Women often communicate their needs in ways that look, to men, like nagging, snapping or picking argu­ments.

Sometimes, even grumpy fights are just a desperate bid for attention. Ignore them at your peril.

Now your wife has decided to focus on herself instead – the book club, gym, and early nights. She might truly believe she’s given up.

But, until you sign the divorce papers, there is always hope. If she doesn’t want couples counselling, you can still go by yourself. Contact Relate (relate.org.uk, 0300 003 2972).

Opening up to a counsellor might help you spot the patterns you got into during your relationship – even long before the marriage – and give you ways to reconnect.

At the very least, counselling could help you navigate the split, if that is the outcome.

FAMILY FORUM

DEAR DEIDRE: SHOULD I repair the worrying rift with my mum before it’s too late?

My dad died suddenly five years ago, and my family fell apart.

I’m a single man in my forties, and there is an expectation for me to be “the man of the family”.

But I can’t stand the way that my mum or my sisters treat me.

Mum has struggled with alcohol most of her life. The pressure of looking after Dad, then his death, pushed her into full-on alcoholism.

She lives with my two sisters, and they are all resentful and abusive towards me.

Because I live 150 miles away, I couldn’t support them with Dad. I don’t think anyone has forgiven me.

I used to keep in touch, but they would lay on the guilt, saying I’d “abandoned” them.

For my mental health, I couldn’t carry on listening to them rant and rave at me. So I just distanced myself from all of them.

But I received a Christmas card from Mum, and my heart is breaking.

The handwriting looks so frail and wobbly. She has mangled my address, but she put two stamps on it to make sure it reached me.

She has written that she would love me to come and see her soon.

I still follow one sister on Facebook, and recent photos she’s posted of Mum show her as tiny, and a lot thinner. I’m aware she’s getting old.

DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sure that you still have a lot of love for your Mum. But she won’t change.

We sometimes romanticise the people in our lives. We think they’ll have an epiphany and finally become the people they could’ve been: Loving, kind, supportive.

Christmas often makes this fantasy stronger.

I’m afraid it’s much more likely that your mum remains an abusive alcoholic.

If you can accept that, then you can safely contact her. If you can’t, it might be better for your mental health to stay away.

You’re not alone in this. Family Action (family-action.org.uk) is a very supportive organisation that helps people navigate all kinds of family issues.

Contact its free FamilyLine (0808 802 6666) to talk all this through with a trained member of the team.