The event planner behind To Be Hosted shares how connection beats perfection every time
Amber Mayfield Hewett has spent nearly a decade turning dinners and small gatherings into something people remember. She is the event planner and entertaining expert behind the supper club To Be Hosted and the creator of the Substack newsletter While Entertaining.
Her work planning parties for brands like Bravo TV, Pinterest and Spotify landed her on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list, and outlets like The New York Times, Good Morning America and Vogue now call on her for hosting advice. With her debut book, Your Turn to Host, she argues that good gatherings run on connection, not flawless table settings.
What inspired you to write Your Turn to Host?
I spent the past almost 10 years working as an event planner, and I started a supper club in New York. So night after night, I was seeing how these intimate events, people sharing meals and having these gatherings, could be transformative for making friends, starting relationships, and just feeling like you had a community in a really big city.
Documenting that journey and what I was learning along the way became what you see in Your Turn to Host. My life just got so much bigger and fuller from being a host and being the spot where people could gather, that I wanted to share that with people, and hopefully it would make a difference in their lives too.
Why do we feel so much pressure when we host?
I really think it goes back to years ago. Do you remember that saying, “pics or it didn’t happen?” There was this time on the internet where it all kind of shifted, and everybody would adopt this. That type of association with our experiences changed the way that we experience them, because now everything has to be beautiful and interesting enough to share online, and that is ruining how you feel about hosting.
Now you’re so intimidated that you have to be the perfect chef, and have huge flowers, and everything needs to be over the top, and white countertops, and all of these things that you don’t actually need to have a good time and make people feel seen and cared for.
So I hoped that my work would start to reclaim that sentiment of, no, you can be the host with the most, and being the host with the most doesn’t always mean that you’re doing the most. It just means that you’re bringing this generous and open heart to how you gather people and what that looks like in your home. So yeah, I blame the internet. I blame social media.
What is the first thing someone who wants to plan a party should do?
I think you have to look inward, because the best parties are led by hosts who are really comfortable with themselves and comfortable with their own perspective for hosting. So start with the things that you like and what you care about, and think about what you want to accomplish when people are together. How do you want them to walk away feeling after they’ve been in your home or been at your event?
If you start with that centralized why, or a feeling statement is what I call it in the book, that can anchor your entire planning process, because then you know what to prioritize, you know what to spend your money on and what not to spend your money on, you know who to invite, you know what type of party to have. So it all really starts with the purpose and the story that you want to tell through your event.
What tips would you give someone with a small space or a tight budget?
I don’t think that the size of your apartment should discourage you from hosting, so I would start small. If you have a studio, can you fit two to three people and do a four-person game night or a four-person dinner party? Think about your gatherings in a very intimate way, so that you’re always making the most of your space without feeling like you have to take your entire bed out into the hallway.
Look at really interesting ways to style the space and be creative with the space. A lot of times, if you’re living in a studio, you’re likely in a city that’s got parks and outdoor places. While the weather is good, see if you could host in the park and make it a picnic and a meetup.
You don’t have to necessarily be in your home every single time you want to gather people, and I think it’ll just encourage you to be more creative in thinking about what gathering looks like for me in this season. Maybe I don’t want everybody in my studio, but the weather’s great, so can we go outside, or can we meet here, and I’m the organizer of that experience.
What are some of the biggest mistakes you see people make when hosting?
There’s so many. I think the first one, of course, is feeling like you have to do the most. A lot of people are chasing what they see on social media, and that can go down a rabbit hole, and suddenly you’re serving all this food that you don’t really care about or even really like, but it looks pretty, and so you’re kind of lost in the sauce in that way. So that’s the first thing. You really have to be true to yourself, if you remember nothing else, that’s number one.
Number two, people need to be comfortable in order to be their best selves. So think about not just how your party looks, but how it feels. Is the temperature just right? If somebody’s sweating or somebody’s cold, that’s gonna have them recoiling back from the group a little bit. If there’s too many people in the party, and they feel overwhelmed by the number of guests, or you can’t really move around, or you’re having a conversation with somebody but someone else is always bumping into you, that will also take away from how people experience each other in your space. So don’t over-invite or under-invite, really look for that sweet spot number.
And then having something for everyone. I know that there’s a lot of dietary restrictions these days. Some people drink, some people don’t drink, so making sure that whatever you are offering and bringing to the table covers everybody’s dietary restrictions and beverage preferences, so everybody feels like they have something to eat while they’re with you.
How do we curate a guest list that sparks great conversation without anyone feeling left out?
I think as hosts, that’s probably our biggest responsibility, the guest list and making sure you have the right combination of people. It’s finding a balance between who’s familiar with each other versus who will get to know each other for the first time, and refreshing your guest list based on what you’re hosting, what the point of hosting it is, what the occasion is.
Not everybody needs to be invited to every single thing, so how can you think about your guest list as this particular experience and moment and people are together, and then you have another list for another party.
People are too scared to uninvite, right?
Yeah, and you really have to think about it to the detriment of your party. If you’re inviting more people than you can afford to host, that’s gonna take away from the experience for yourself.
If you’re inviting people that you feel like you have to invite, but somebody else is not going to be comfortable with them being there, or they’re known to express views that are very problematic, if you’re gonna have people in your space feeling unsafe, you have to decide it’s not worth it to tolerate those different personalities in one space, just because you don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings with the invite. You also don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings when you’re in their home.
What do you hope readers take away from Your Turn to Host?
I really wanted it to be a call to action. It’s your turn to host, and I want people to feel like they can do that, and be the host, and pick up this new skill set, and just have it in their back pocket for every occasion. So my hope is that you take all this information from a party planner, and figure out how to apply it in a way that feels good for you, and that it is the centerpiece for gathering for you for generations to come.
Where can we find Your Turn to Host?
Your Turn to Host is on Amazon, Bookshop, Barnes & Noble, Target, Walmart, and your local bookstore, so wherever you get your books, definitely ask them if they’re carrying Your Turn to Host.
Where can we find and follow you?
You can find me on almost all of the major social platforms as @ambb_mayy. I’m on Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, and I share a lot of hosting tips and daily how-tos on those platforms. I’m on YouTube as well, and I am on Substack, so my newsletter there is called While Entertaining. And my event company is called To Be Hosted.