An expert who works with teenage boys explains why difficult conversations need to start earlier and shares practical tips for connecting with sons
Parenting teenage boys has never been simple, but today’s generation faces challenges their parents never encountered. Between smartphones, social media and shifting cultural expectations around masculinity, families are navigating uncharted territory when it comes to raising adolescent sons.
Christopher Pepper, a middle and high school educator who has helped coordinate Young Men’s Health Groups in San Francisco, believes parents need better tools to guide their boys through these complicated years. His new book with coauthor Joanna Schroeder, Talk to Your Boys: 16 Conversations to Help Tweens and Teens Grow Into Confident, Caring Young Men, aims to provide families with practical strategies for tackling difficult topics.
An increasing number of boys are lonely, isolated and confused, wrestling with the aftermath of the #MeToo movement and expectations of rigid masculinity. Many have either lost or never had the ability to express themselves in a constructive way.
What’s different about raising boys today
The introduction of phones and video games has dramatically changed how teenagers spend their time. Screen time has replaced in-person hangout time at unprecedented levels. Dating has decreased significantly, with much of that social interaction now happening through devices rather than face to face.
The demand for guidance has become clear through Pepper’s work. Every time he gives a talk about boys, a line of people with personal questions forms afterward. Many parents worry about boys connecting with charismatic figures online who promote messages that aren’t prosocial.
The #MeToo movement has also changed the landscape for teenage boys. Things feel unsettled for many boys trying to figure out their place in the world. Most genuinely want to be good guys and supportive friends. They don’t want to be creepy, but they sometimes approach their social lives with considerable anxiety.
The consequences of disconnection
Pepper has witnessed firsthand the toxic language boys use while gaming online, filled with slurs and hateful words. Without intervention, boys increasingly report that school doesn’t feel like a place for them. Significant changes in the number of young men finishing college reflect this disengagement.
Without help finding healthy connections, some boys find connections with hate groups and get drawn into extremist beliefs. They search for explanations about why their lives aren’t proceeding as expected, sometimes blaming immigrants or women for these circumstances.
What boys are really searching for online
Teenage boys naturally feel curious about how to live successfully. They often look for fitness tips, ideas about making money and advice about relationships. However, every time boys log into social media or play a game, algorithms send them increasingly toxic content that reinforces harmful stereotypes about masculinity.
Finding the right time and approach
Pepper recommends using small conversations and bringing topics up as naturally as possible. Many people find side-by-side conversations work well, such as while riding in a car. Boys often respond better to talking while doing something else like going for a walk or playing basketball. Physical activity helps keep stress levels down during potentially awkward conversations.
Starting earlier than feels comfortable
Some parents fear that talking to kids too soon about topics like pornography or alcohol will only pique their curiosity. However, the average age that young people see pornography is around 12. When parents wait for kids to bring topics up, they’re making a mistake because kids will not initiate these conversations.
What boys really want
Pepper interviewed 85 boys and young men ages 10 to 22 for his book. Many said they wished they could have more open conversations with adults in their lives. Some mentioned their dads were very rigid and expressed wishes that their fathers would be more real and emotional with them.
Parents often turn down the parenting intensity once kids reach middle school. They think they can’t get through anymore and decide to see how things turn out. Pepper urges parents to keep going and actively parent these boys even into early adulthood. Boys this age really need guidance from adults who care about them and won’t disappear the first time they slam a door.
SOURCE: CNN