The luxury matchmaker and debut author opens up about her memoir Touched, erotic truth, patriarchy, and why high-achieving women keep losing themselves in relationships.
Shae Primus has spent over a decade helping other people find love. As the founder of Upper Echelon Matchmaking, she has matched more than 500 couples, built an elite clientele, and became a household name after appearing on Bravo’s Love Match Atlanta. She made headlines when she was offered $1 million to match hip-hop mogul Rick Ross. Her work has been featured on Access Hollywood, Peacock, People, ABC, E! News, and NBC.
Now, Primus is turning the lens on herself. Her debut memoir, Touched: Stories of Pleasure, Power, and Awakening, drops June 30 and chronicles the personal journey she took after recognizing a pattern she had been coaching others through for years. She sat down with Rolling Out’s “Meet the Author” to talk about the book, what it cost her to write it, and what she hopes every woman takes away from it.
What made you decide to turn inward and write your own story?
I noticed a pattern with the women I’ve helped. I’ve been a matchmaker for 11 years, and as I’m coaching clients, most of them are high performers. One pattern I kept seeing is that they tend to be over-functioning in relationships. We perform well, we excel in everything we do, and then when we get in relationships, we do all the roles because we can. It leaves us depleted, wanting more, untouched. I realized I had the same patterns. So I started outlining all of my relationships, my lovers, how I showed up, and where I was lacking.
The book is called Touched. What does that word mean beyond the obvious?
Touch is a double entendre. It is obviously physical, but touch is also touching places people cannot see. Being touched spiritually, intellectually, on all those levels. When I say someone is untouched, I mean they are undernourished, not being fulfilled, not getting their needs met. That is exactly how I found myself in all of my relationships. They did not meet me where I was. So my goal became turning inward and asking, how can I give myself this without seeking it elsewhere?
You introduced the concept of erotic truth. How would you explain that in everyday language?
Pleasure can be healing. I needed to heal from heartbreak, from the pain of my last relationship, and I embarked on a journey through pleasure. No rules, just whatever I wanted to do. I introduced something I call hoing responsibly, which means making sure I am safe. I am on PrEP, which prevents HIV. I am on DoxyPEP, which prevents chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis. And I am on the IUD. Those bases were covered. And what I learned is that my heart was healed. My sense of who I am as a woman, what I enjoy, all of that was healed through my journey through touch.
When did you realize you were doing the same thing you were coaching other women not to do?
My last client. We were talking and I started connecting the dots. I was telling her to stop over-giving, stop taking care of them in this way, and I was doing the same thing. These women are very successful, they have everything going for themselves, they know how to make the grade. They did it in school and they do it in life. And they will overperform in a relationship too. Because we can. We can do it all, so we tend to.
Why do you think women have been conditioned to feel guilty about pleasure?
A lot of it comes from patriarchal religions. The patriarchy does not want women to explore themselves in that way. It wants women to need to be under a man, mostly in marriage. That happens in Christianity, Islam, and in Judaism too. Patriarchal religion usually shames women for exploring pleasure. So what I had to do was unlearn some of those lessons I had been taught growing up in the church. I had to unlearn them so I could experience pleasure in this way.
What does it look like in real life when patriarchy lives in the body?
It looks like shaming yourself for your desires. Telling yourself it is wrong to have them, praying them away, beating yourself up. I have guardrails for myself. Sexual health is not a boundary I am willing to cross, which is why I am on PrEP and DoxyPEP. I do not mess with married men. And there must be consent. We are talking about consenting adults. Outside of that, I can do whatever I want. It is about being a responsible adult and choosing to do things I enjoy.
You have matched over 500 couples. Does writing this book change how you think about relationships professionally?
In Touched, my solution is that women need to de-center men. We live in a society where the focus is on getting a man. What I think is that you should prioritize yourself. When we center our lives on men, we are saying they are the prize. But are they really? I love men. If you want a husband, do that. But our focus needs to be different. I am anti choose-me, pick-me. I do not date from a performance perspective. When you de-center a man, you focus on yourself. And if someone cannot see your value, they are the wrong person. Moving right along. That is a much healthier approach than performing to get chosen.
You have been on Bravo, Access Hollywood, and major networks. Why was it important that this book be vulnerable rather than polished?
Because when you take away all of my success and all my accolades, I am just a woman. I want women to see themselves in me. So it was important to share my shortcomings. I told it from this lens so you can see how I got myself into certain situations. When I fell in love, why did I fall for that person? When my heart got broken, how did I really feel? You cannot come along on the journey unless you can relate to me. And I am just a woman who wanted to be loved and had to learn to love herself.
What do you want a woman to feel when she closes this book for the last time?
I want her to feel empowered. We do not know our power as women because of patriarchal religion and the society we live in. I talk about something called orgasmic manifestation, where we can tap into ourselves, not needing anybody else, and ask for whatever we want. We literally carry a womb. We bring life from the spirit realm to the physical realm. I go through Medusa, Eve, every woman the Bible told us was wicked, and I reframe that. She was not wicked. She just tapped into her power. I want women to crown themselves. You are powerful and amazing whether you have a partner or not. You can die single and satisfied and successful. That is what I want women to know.
For the young Black woman who has always put everything else first, what is the first step to reclaiming herself?
Put yourself first, sis. You do not know what love is until you give it to yourself. When you experience true happiness and satisfaction within yourself, and someone presents something that is less than, it becomes unacceptable, because you have already created the standard. You know what it should feel like. If somebody does anything that is not that, it is an automatic no. And other people recognize it when you recognize it. When you start loving yourself, they go, I cannot play with her. I have to come correct. Put yourself first before your children, before your husband, before everybody. Nobody else is going to be able to love you like you can love you.
Touched: Stories of Pleasure, Power, and Awakening is available for pre-order now on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. The official release date is June 30.