ALL I want for Christmas is to be rid of all those lazy celebrity “specials” plaguing the TV listings like a great big stinking outbreak of flu.
Get me something, fast, to relieve the headache, nausea and fever.
It’s all very bah-humbug of me, I know, and will land me on Aunty’s naughty list, as well as those of ITV, Channel 4 and all other purveyors of Z-list frivolity.
But I’ve had enough. I’ve got more stars in my eyes than I can cope with.
Because this month, the bilge pumped into our front rooms will see more than 15 versions of same old shows done up with a sprinkling of celebrity to supposedly bring cheer to one an all.
Cheer and loathing, more like.
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Well, it must be all we deserve.
For, alas, tidings of great woe, bosses on everything from The Great British Sewing Bee and Bake Off, through to Ant & Dec’s Limited Win and The 1% Club have simply booked up the nation’s famous faces, every last blinking one of them, and called the job a good ’un.
The Finish Line is at it, too — and MasterChef, Catchphrase, The Weakest Link and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.
All thumbing their dog-eared little black books for showbiz shock troops.
Lumps of coal
Even the wholesome Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing is seeking to bait viewers — although I shall let them off because their guest is Dawn French.
Sadly, not all seasonal bookings are quite of Dawn’s calibre.
I’m no Grinch — and one man’s killer booking is another man’s filler — so I will not be naming and shaming shlebs I would rather we left on the shelf.
But I reckon most viewers have had their fill of Christopher Biggins.
All-star line-ups for the foreseeable will surely pale in comparison to the recent Celebrity Traitors dream team of Celia Imrie, Alan Carr and Sir Stephen Fry.
But I can’t see how even that lot could elevate our hum-drum December.
Because all we really have is the same shows you can watch at any given teatime, with slightly fancier contestants and a bit of tinsel decking out the studio.
It hurts all the more when compared to last year’s feast, with all the trimmings.
Gavin & Stacey: The Finale deserved every one of its 12.3million viewers on Christmas Day.
But it wasn’t just Ruth Jones and James Corden who set the schedule alight.
There was also the return of Wallace & Gromit after 16 years, in Vengeance Most Fowl.
In fact, so spoiled were we last year that the brilliant return of Outnumbered, after eight years off air, was almost overlooked.
This year, we’ll have to make do with A.N. Other supposed household name pressing a buzzer to pass the time when we are stuck for conversation with the in-laws.
Of course, some coveted shows can be more choosy with their invites.
These include Celebrity Gladiators, out for a second run. The special will see reality TV regulars Joe Wicks, Sam Thompson and Vogue Williams take on boxing legend, Nicola Adams OBE.
But in truth, it’s only really the return of The Celebrity Apprentice to BBC One that has piqued my interest – and that’s more down to format than the famous faces.
Admittedly, Lord Sugar has gathered an impressive bunch including AJ Odudu, Angela Scanlon, Eddie Kadi, Jake Wood, JB Gill and Tom Skinner.
Yes, it didn’t escape my notice Eddie and Vogue are both busy in the I’m A Celebrity jungle, or that Tom was latterly on Strictly.
They all trek to Lapland to bake gingerbread biscuits, which were then go on sale across the UK for Children In Need — and it’s very funny stuff.
But it just begs the question why TV high-ups decided not to bother offering an iota of originality this year.
Did the BBC spend so much on internal investigations into wrongdoing on MasterChef, Strictly and BBC Breakfast, that they ran out of pennies?
Have the cuts at ITV become so severe they can only afford lumps of coal?
Instead, I fear, budgets have been spent on lining celebrities’ pockets with handsome appearance fees, rather than on producing decent new drama or wooing beloved sitcom writers out of hibernation.
Call me Scrooge, if you like, but watching a former soap star spin a wheel doesn’t cut it for me.
5 SHOWS TO BRING CHEER
THERE’S a sprinkling of gems on the Christmas schedule to feel a little more festive about. So grab your chocs and settle down to these telly treats.
AMANDALAND, BBC One: The second helping of Lucy Punch’s hit Motherland spin-off is packed with festive fun.
It’s a little Ab Fab too, with Joanna Lumley back as Amanda’s mum and Jennifer Saunders playing her aunt.
DEAR FATHER CHRISTMAS, Channel 4, Christmas Eve: Meet Chris, a 16-year-old boy who still believes in Santa, despite his dad insisting it’s time for him to accept it is nothing but a fairy tale.
But Chris, played by Bafta-winner Lenny Rush, is determined to prove him wrong and embarks on a mission with his cousin Holly to prove that Father Christmas exists.
The all-star cast includes James Buckley, Greg Davies, Asim Chaudhry and Stephen Fry.
MAN VS BABY, Netflix, December 11: Comedy genius Rowan Atkinson returns to screens on December 11 with this madcap drama which has lashings of Christmas spirit.
In the four-parter, he plays Trevor Bingley, who finds himself house-sitting a luxurious London apartment over the festive period.
But as a result of his day job as a school caretaker he also finds himself having to look after the Baby Jesus, who’s been left behind in the Nativity play.
THE SCARECROWS’ WEDDING, BBC One: This latest adaptation of a Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler story sees scarecrows Betty O’Barley and Harry O’Hay planning their perfect wedding.
But wicked Reginald Rake has other ideas and almost ruins their special day.
The half-hour animated special features Rob Brydon voicing Reginald, Jessie Buckley as Betty and Domhnall Gleeson as Harry.
It is narrated by Slow Horses star Sophie Okonedo.
AMADEUS, Sky Atlantic and Now, Dec 21: The story of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is brought to life in this big-budget production featuring The White Lotus’s Will Sharpe.
TINSEL TOWN, Sky, Dec 5: Hollywood’s Kiefer Sutherland plays an egotistical actor who has the wind taken out of his sails when his action franchise is cancelled before he’s sent off to a small English town to star in an eccentric panto.